An open letter to Tim Tebow.

Dear Timbo,

Just want to tell you how happy I am that your name was not included in Playboy’s pre-season All-American team . You don’t need your name associated with such a sinful publication that degrades women and promotes perversion. Whether it was your decision or the University of Florida’s, it is clear that the decision was made because the name “Tim Tebow” stands for good, wholesome, American Christian values of the Baptist variety.

Just one thing: recently ESPN acquired the rights to broadcast a massive chunk of SEC football games. And since you’re on the run for your second Heisman, the network will be wanting to show Gator Football a plenty this season. This concerns me greatly because, as many people know, ESPN is constantly showing commercials for Coors Light, Miller Lite,and Bud Light.

I know that you would not want your name to promote the sin of drunkenness anymore than you would want it supporting pornography. As I see it you have only one option – quit playing football for the SEC.

You’ll probably miss the game of football very much, but it’s not like you were going to seriously consider going into the NFL! Those games have beer served at the stadium, which often turns into drunken debauchery .

I’m not even going to mention the scantily-clad cheerleaders
who are part-time strippers and sex-addicted, drug-crazed
lesbians. Definitely not a family-type atmosphere.

This will be quite a lifestyle change for you, so you should probably ease out of it. My advice is to go ahead and play the Miami, Tennessee, and Ole Miss games and get it out of your system. But you should most certainly quit playing before October 4 (the Arkansas game). If you’re still playing football by then … well some people may consider that just down-right un-Baptist of you, especially the Baptist here in Arkansas.

Just looking out for you,

Bret