METAL DAYS – RE-RE-RE-revisited, Part 3 of 3.

The following is the exciting conclusion to a three-part series about the glory days of METAL! the whole METAL! and nothing but the METAL! So help me God of Thunder. No posers allowed. (If you missed the others check out METAL 1, METAL 2)

By early 1988, I had ditched poser rock for straight up, balls out, thrash METAL! I listened to little else for about a solid year. Those were good times. The experience of switching from lame-ass to kick ass made me learn an awful lot about pre-conceived notions about rock and other things in life. For example, for years I avoided Metallica for fear that they worshiped Satan, or that their lyrics were evil. What I discovered after listening to them was that the subject matter was pretty tame. Metallica’s For Whom the Bell Tolls was obviously inspired by Hemingway, and The Four Horseman was inspired by the Bible. That’s the exact opposite of Satan. Duh!

On a side note, I checked out Slayer too, and yeah they were and are, in fact, evil as shit. But damned if they aren’t METAL!

Although I knew the bands I listened to weren’t Satanic, I considered it kind of a plus that other people thought they were. As a short white kid growing up in eastern Arkansas, it gave me a don’t-you-fool-with-him-he-crazy edge that came in handy sometimes.

Looking back, I probably should have been a little more careful. Just down the road a spell in West Memphis, they put away three other goofy kids for just being METAL! like me. They were listening to the same music I was, and wearing black t-shirts like I did; they just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

On a more positive note, I also learned not to limit my listening tastes to one genre of music. The discovery of Thrash METAL! was such a great experience I ventured out to discover new bands and old bands I’d been missing while bangin’ my head to Quit Riot. Bands like the Ramones. Thanks, Thrash METAL!

One night, TBS played a cut up version of Rock n’ Roll High School and I discovered the Ramones. The Ramones led to the Sex Pistols, and other punk bands. That led to post-punk bands like the Talking Heads. By that time I was so musically open-minded, I was digging the Violent Femmes and R.E.M.

Side note: I’m probably the only person alive who credits Metallica for turning him on to R.E.M.

Another side note: There were other bands I was listening to, but to list them would be a lame, pretentious attempt to prove how hip I was/am. I’m sure you were listening to way cooler bands than I was, even before I was listening to them.

By the time grunge kicked in, I was fully ready to embrace it. Bands like Soundgarden and Alice in Chains were every bit as heavy as the METAL! I was listening to. Besides I was already wearing flannel. Hell, I still wear flannel.

Looking back, I realize how funny it is that kids think the genre of music they listen to should dictate how they dress. The above photo is a good example. I look around the mall today and see a bunch of teenaged EMO kids that are going to be embarrassed someday (at least the dudes should be, anyhow, jeez).

My open-mindedness to music didn’t always lead me down good paths either. In college I did a brief stint as a neo-Hippie. But as it turns out I was a huge failure at that. Not because I didn’t dig the music, but because my daddy wasn’t rich enough for me to take an entire summer off to “follow Panic.” Unlike the rest of the trustfundafarians, I had to get a frikin’ job. Here’s a reenactment of a conversation I had with some frisbee chuckin earth cookie in 1995 A.D. (After the Death of Jerry Garcia)

ME: Man, that’s a bummer that Jerry is gone. I’m glad I got to see him in concert in Memphis before he died.
Earth Cookie: How many Dead shows have you seen?
ME: Just the one.
E.C.: Bwaa ha ha! You’re such a newb, Brah! I’ve seen the Dead over 67 times, seen Panic 56, and Phish 230 times, all on acid Brah!
ME: Newb? I’ve got Europe ’72 on vinyl.
E.C.: You’re clueless man, just clueless. Let me get you some tapes, from some real shows, Brah. Some Phish, some Panic, Brah!
ME: Tapes? Like a cassette tape? Who the hell has a tape player anymore?
E.C.: You’re the one with the firkin’ record player?
ME: Touche’

STATE OF METAL TODAY

The other thing I learned the hard way was not to engage in hero worship of these guys. Even my saviors of METAL!, Metallica, turned out to be pretty douchey themselves. And no, I’m not about to go on a tirade about Lars’ battle with Napster. Robbing music for free on the internets may be fun as hell, but taking away those record sales from the recording artists strips them of the ability to achieve the goal of every rock n’ roller – to make enough money to be above the law and have kinky sex with multiple partners. Well, when you say it out loud it doesn’t sound like such a good argument.

But they got douchey in other aspects. First they SOLD THE EFF OUT after the Black Album, and it turns out they were constantly hazing their “new” bass player for years just because he replaced Cliff Burton. If there is a METAL! bone in your body I highly recommend that you avoid the documentary “St. Anger” about the band recording the worst “metal” album ever. It shows them actually having therapy sessions … with a “band therapist.” Is this Metallica or Matchbox 20?

There’s also several minutes devoted to Lars and his dad and the issues they have. Then there’s a terrible scene where Lars and Dave Mustaine talk about their feelings, and how Dave has so much rage bottled up inside for being kicked out of the band. Ugh! Never mind Matchbox 20, the New Kids on the Block were more METAL! than that.

Word of advice to Metallica – DON’T DO ANY MORE DOCUMENTARIES IF YOU ARE GOING TO ACT LIKE VAGINAS!

But the state of the METAL! is not all bad. In fact the thing that made me start reminiscing about my METAL! days in the first place was a show on the Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Metalocolypse, about a fictional METAL! band, Dethklok. This is the work of creator Brenden Small, who aside from being an excellent cartoon creator, stand-up comedian and actor, is an awesome musician.

The show packs a ton of references to the METAL! days – everything from Scandinavian Death Metal to a “rock n’ roll clown” named Dr. Rockso who is a cross between David Lee Roth and Gene Simmons. If you are/were a fan of any of the METAL! genres, I highly recommend it.

Small, a graduate of the Berklee College of Music, writes and plays all the music performed by the fictional Dethklok on the show. Small, as Dethklok, put an album out in 2007, the Dethalbum. I have this to say about it: I own it. It is all that is METAL!. It may be the best damn METAL! album of all time. Seriously.

He even got some touring musicians and took it on the road. They’re awesome. I’ll shut up about it now.

In Closing

I’m of the opinion that if you ever pumped your fist in the air to a guitar riff, you will always be a member of the fraternity of black-T-shirt-wearing-mullet-sporting punkards that are METAL! kids. You may have strayed away, but as Bob Segar says, “Rock n’ Roll Never Forgets” (Hey! Bob Segar is not METAL!). That’s why I tend to find Tenacious D absolutely hilarious, while others find them funny but don’t get some of their more obscure references. Jack Black and I were probably playing air guitar to the same Dio tape.

Today, certain aspects of METAL! that we listened to in the past are not only tame, but downright mainstream. For example, Ozzy’s whole family is a household name, with the Osbournes having their own TV show and Sharon being a celebrity judge and talk show host. You can’t even listen to an SEC football game without hearing a marching band play a rendition of Ozzy’s Crazy Train. In my day, letting someone know you listen to Ozzy would get you a visit from the local Baptist Church youth director trying to save your soul.

Even the most evil/METAL! band of my time, Slayer, has a song on the very mainstream video game, Guitar Hero. How in the hell did this happen?

It makes me kind of feel sorry for the METAL! kids of today. Nothing is shocking anymore. Since everything has pretty much been done already, the new generation of METAL! has been forced over the edge of ridiculous just trying to be shocking. Just take a look at Slipknot. Really, guys? Ok. We get it, you’re sooo evil (yawn).

I’m kind of looking forward to see what kind of music my son will listen to in the name of rebellion. I mean, how do you shock an old-skool METAL! guy like me? Poor little guy, there’s no music he can listen to that will repulse his old man. Unless … he puts on a pair of cowboy boots and asks for money to go see the Kenny Chesney concert … NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!