NEW Tim McGraw cologne!

Doing my regular web surfing I came across a banner ad for this stuff and I threw up in my mouth a little bit. Tim McGraw cologne? WTF?

Three celebrities that I know of who have a “scent” named after them = Britney Spears, Debbie Gibson and now … Tim McGraw.

First off, I’m not a fan of Mr. McGraw’s (or so-called “radio-country” in general). I couldn’t name one song of his at gunpoint. All I know is he’s married to Faith Hill. I couldn’t name one song of her songs either; I just know she’s pretty hot and doesn’t like losing at awards shows.

Why do I care then? Well, there’s something about the concept of a cuntry musician (misspelling completely intentional) with a cologne that makes me mad as hell. I guess it’s my appreciation of Johnny Cash, Clint Eastwood movies and my respect for manhood in general.

After my initial reaction, I had a second thought: maybe he did the public a service and created a scent that is an honest representation of what country music should smell like – an equal combination of Skoal spit, Budweiser, Marlboro Reds and horseshit. I mean, he’s pretty good at packaging shit and mass producing it for the public. Have you heard his music?

But, when I looked up the description for the product on the Kohl’s website (Kohl’s = KA – LASS -EEE) I discovered it was your typical run-of-the-mill metrosexual cologne made for douche bags, by douche bags. In the description, the “top notes” (whatever that means) say “bergamot and nutmeg.” The “middle notes” (still I’m clueless) are “lavendar and moss.” The “base notes” (?) are “amber, patchouli, sandalwood and aged whiskey.”

Oooooo! Lavendar and moss, how pretty!! And I just love a good sandalwood! In all seriousness, the aged whiskey isn’t a bad touch – now we’re starting to smell like a cowboy – but he went and put patchouli in it. Patchouli – the sent that hippies have been using in lieu of bathing since 1968.

McGraw, why did you have to go and wuss up Country Music more than Big & Rich were already doing? I would say that Johnny Cash is spinning in his grave right now, but I know JC wouldn’t fraternize with such an “artist” as yourself. If told of this news, he would simply say, “Tim who?”

Just for fun, lets find out what the “scent” of REAL country musicians would be like:

“Honeysuckle Rose” by Willie Nelson – The strong, pungent smell of Bong Water complemented by horse sweat from a freshly squeezed saddle blanket, with a hint of Bio-Diesel

“Highway Man” by Waylon Jennings – Half whiskey, half gunpowder . Shake well and apply with can of WD40.

“BLACK” by Johnny Cash – Just as black is the absence of color, “BLACK” is the absence of smell.

“White Trash” by David Alan Coe – Ingredients within are an ancient redneck secret (Pearl in a can and Jack Daniels’ Black)

I would buy any one of the above products at a premium price. I wouldn’t wear them, but I would buy them. I would make sure the bottle was closed tightly, and I would place it carefully under a velvet, oil painting of John Wayne.

If you want to know what Tim McGraw’s cologne should smell like, just imagine the image above with a different label on it. There’s your Tim McGraw “scent” – a douche bag.

Please Mr. McGraw, take Kenny Chesney, Toby Keith, Brooks & Dunn, Big & Rich and your girl perfume and go somewhere. And never come back.

P.S. Please take NASCAR with you (but that’s another blog post)