Going Native

Ponder this: the correct term to refer to someone of the ancestry formerly known as “American Indian” is, of course, “Native American.” But I’m a native of America, so wouldn’t I be considered a native American? No.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not about to go on some anti-PC tirade. The use of the term “Indian” to refer to anyone born in the United States is offensive, and just plain wrong. An Indian is from India… duh! All I’m saying is that the term “Native American” may be just as bad of a misnomer as “Indian.” A Native American should refer to anyone that was born anywhere in America … not just Oklahoma. (Sorry. That wasn’t very nice).

First let’s take a closer look at why the term “Indian” used for an Indigenous Person of the United States is wrong:

According to what we were told in grade school, Columbus – a white guy – came to what is now America, saw some brownish/reddish people, and just started calling them by the term he used for other brownish people he knew. He also called them that because he was on the opposite side of the globe from where he thought he was … what a dumbass.

So the term is offensive, if not to Indigenous Persons, then at least to Columbus. I’ll bet the ghost of Columbus cringes every time somebody uses the term American Indian. “Jeez! So I was off by a few hundred-thousand miles. I made a mistake! Give me a break and change that already!”

There is a part of me that thinks we should keep the term as a reminder of how stupid white people can be. Like when there’s two black guys at your work and you call one black guy by the other black guy’s name … awkward.

Calling Indigenous People "Indians" is the equivalent of someone from China coming here and calling all white people “Norwegians.” And you would say, “I’m not Norwegian; I’m American!” And they would say, “Shut up, Jorgan! You all look the same to me.”

You see. Not very nice when you think of it like that, is it?

And if you’re of the I-don’t-care-if-it’s-nice-or-not-it’s-always-been-that-way ilk, it still makes more sense in terms of clarity to avoid the usage of “Indian.” The world has changed a lot since Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1492. America is actually resembling the “melting-pot” that it has been advertised as for so long. So you have a better chance of actually knowing an Indian-American as well as what was formerly known as an American Indian. The use of a word besides Indian can help you avoid this awkward convo:

You: Dude, that chick in accounting is hot!
Dude: Which one?
You: You know, the Indian girl.
Dude: I thought she was in HR?
You: No, man. The other kind of Indian
Dude: How many countries called India can there be?
You: No. I mean feather not dot! I’m talking woo woo!

Then the girl from accounting comes in and hears what you’ve said and she’s pissed, so no date for you. And then she scalps you (sorry that wasn’t very nice … I couldn’t resist.)

Now let’s take a look at why Native American, while less offensive, is just as wrong:

Check out this scenario: Let’s say you’re a person from the United States living in the United Kingdom. You’re watching the tele with your British friends and Madonna comes on in an interview with her quasi-fake-Brit accent:

British Bloke: What kind of accent is that? Where is she from?
You: Actually she’s from the States?
British Bloke: Well she wasn’t born there was she? I mean you don’t talk like that. She has to be from New Zealand or Australia, there’s something else in there right?
You: Nope, she’s just from the States.
British Bloke: You mean she’s a Native American?
You: Well, actually no. That’s what we call Indians.
British Bloke: What? Why would you call people from India that?
You: No, we call the people from the States Indians, you know the first people – teepees, loin cloths, wompum, woo woo!
British Bloke: That’s not very nice, you!

You see where the confusion could come in?

Alternatives to both Native American and American Indian:

In official, work-related writing, I use the term “Native American” whenever it comes up. I do this because I’m a writer by trade, and I adhere to the gospel according to Associated Press Style and Usage Manual. But whenever the occasion comes up in informal speaking I prefer to use the specific tribe. For example: “ I have a friend whose wife is a Cherokee.” See wasn’t that easy? But this usage has its limitations. What if somebody’s dad is Cherokee and their mom is Choctaw? Or if you’re not sure what tribe this person is affiliated with?

You don’t want to go getting people’s tribes wrong. That can be really hurtful. I know. One time in Jamaica, on my honeymoon, a guy heard my accent and said, “you must be from Texas.” So I sued Sandles.

So if there are any Native Americans, or Indigenous Persons, or People Formerly Known as American Indians reading this (assuming you didn’t get pissed about the scalping joke) I implore you to give us a replacement for the term Native American. It can be anything you want. Maybe you could all get together and decide on a term in your native tongue.

For example, if there is a two or three syllable Navajo word that means, “not a stupid, pale-faced asshole” that would be perfect. Or maybe there is a short Chickasaw phrase that means “person whose land was taken by Caucasian jackass.” Or you could be real slick and choose an old Algonquin word that means, “Victim of Manifest Destiny” or an Apache phrase roughly translating to “person who is owned back payment of Eminent Domain compensation plus interest.”

Don’t tell us what it really means either. Tell us it means “Happy Warrior” or some corny bullshit like that. We’ll eat it up. We’ll picture ourselves as the Kevin Costner character from Dances with Wolves and use it every chance we get.

“Well, Suzie Redcorn! That’s an interesting name. Are you a person whose land was taken by a jackass?” And you could just smile to yourself and say, “Yes. Yes I am.”